Playing the Triangle

W

orking on my SRAT assignment a points opens up. I am in highest grade of elementary school and we have this teacher Master Tegelaar. He is quite fond of music and he made us perform this musical. We had to practice a lot. He acted like a true dictator, a very tiresome experience it was.

When assigning the different parts, singing and playing various musical instruments, he made it very clear to me I was ‘unmusical’, in such a way I felt humiliated and hurt. I ended up playing the xylophone – but just because there were kids that were even more ‘unmusical’. At first he made me play the triangle - quite boring because you had to only a couple of times tap it but you had to be focussed all the time otherwise you'd miss your turn - and then you were in big trouble!
He was a bad tempered man, easily provoked and from day 1 I entered his school I felt he didn’t like me, for some undefined reason. I felt disregarded, ‘not seen’ by him, like I was invisible or like he wanted me to be invisible.

I was not a troublesome pupil. I’ve always liked school because I was eager to learn – and I was quite an intelligent kid and abiding by the rules. Those days kids were still filled with respect for the adults. I don’t know why he disregarded me; maybe because in those days my parents weren’t that ‘well-to-do’ yet and I wasn’t living in the  luxurious neighbourhood the school was situated in? Could very well have been the case because when it came to choose what high school each pupil would attend the next year, he didn’t choose me to be part of his little coaching group – exclusive for the most intelligent kids. He did pick my friend though – she was way less intelligent than me – I used to whisper the answers to her - but her parents were people of means. I was so disappointed!

His eyes and mine crossed each other and he must have read my eyes; the disappointment, the disillusionment and the hurt – because then he decided I was invited to his little coaching group too, but there were not enough books so I had to share with my friend. I was so happy!

I would have liked to please Meester Tegelaar more – for him to see me, acknowledge me. My wish to be a talented singer originates from this point. So he would see me, appreciate me and treat me like a princess, like he did Anke.  She had a nice singing voice and long blond hair. (I have this picture of her, well, of her back because I was seated  behind her – she wears this black sweater with small red roses on it. Her long blond hair covers most of her back. I am quite fascinated with the hairs that she lost, still sticking to her sweater. I did not specifically like or dislike her.)

 

 

S

o – Master Tegelaar is still existent within my world – after 43 years I am faced with this person. He is probably long gone – as in dead. But he himself is of no importance at all – it is the imaginary Master Tegelaar I’ve created - that didn’t notice me, that disregarded me - that is still existent.

Unmusical=out of tune/off key
Singing out of time

Funny how these English meanings of the word ‘unmusical’ all have the same idea behind it: keeping yourself on this required track – otherwise you are ‘out’, ‘off’ – not ‘in’.

‘Tone deaf’ is another word for ‘unmusical’. Am I deaf? Am I ‘tone deaf’ – no, I can hear tones, I just can’t reproduce them the way I hear them in my head :) What rubbish definition: tone deaf. They say dogs and cats are able to hear much higher frequency than the human being – so are we all tone deaf? It is just a definition, a standard we go by – stick to the tune and you’ll be appreciated.

I have no obvious musical talents. But I like to dance though – and I am fairly ‘good’ at it – meaning I hear the rhythm, my body experiences the rhythm of music if I do not intervene with mind, so is this a musical talent then :) Well, it doesn’t matter – I will direct myself to unlink ‘unmusical’ – unmusical is just unmusical=without musical talents to sing or play a musical instrument the way it is appreciated in general.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to satisfy Master Tegelaar in order to be accepted and acknowledged by Master Tegelaar and be treated by him as if I were a princess. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘being treated as a princess’ as ‘being noticed by Master Tegelaar, being appreciated by Master Tegelaar, ‘being visible’ to Master Tegelaar, ‘being regarded’ by Master Tegelaar, being treated the way he treated ‘Anke with the singing voice’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel humiliated and hurt by Master Tegelaar calling me names like ‘unmusical’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior because of him defining me as ‘unmusical’.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘unmusical’ because Master Tegelaar defining me as ‘unmusical’ and therefor didn’t investigate for myself if I had any ‘musical talents’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept this definition of myself as ‘unmusical’ as unquestionable. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish for having ‘a voice of an angel’ in order to please Master Tegelaar, in order to be special, in order to deserve ‘my place in the sun’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience shame for not being in tune, for being off key when singing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react when Dj tells me to stop singing because I am singing out of tune – reacting with wishing I had ‘a voice like an angel’ and he would love to hear me sing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belittle myself when it comes to singing – by singing even more out of tune and with that validate me being ‘unmusical’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself wishing for ‘a voice like an angel’ – so people would appreciate me and think I am special and gifted and be in awe. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to favourite ‘a voice like an angel’ over other talents – even over the talents I am programmed with. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think singing with ‘a voice of an angel’ is a preferred way of expressing myself – because of the immediacy of expression. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define singing as a superior way of self expression because of it’s immediacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fake ‘singing’ when singing with others in a group to avoid being out of tune and hinder others in their expression. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fake ‘singing’ to avoid people asking/telling me to stop participating. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold back ‘singing’ in public when I feel like doing so – I would sing if I had ‘a voice like an angel’ – to avoid being ridiculed, laughed about, irritate or be a nuisance to other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘me singing’ as a nuisance to the ears of others – through the I of the mind conscious system – because in my head my singing sounds just fine. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to envy people that are ‘musical’ and/or are ‘gifted’ with ‘a voice like an angel – and I would like to experience how it feels like to sing with ‘a voice like an angel’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regard some talents as ‘being sent by god’, as being ‘more favourite by god’ than other talents. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to link singing with god and angels – as in ‘sent by god’ and ‘a voice like an angel’.

Singing sound is just the outflow of breath and vocal cords.

Cool – now I am off, play some triangle :)