I
am so totally cool with the new Mind Construct SRAT assignments - because I was not completely at ease with how mind constructs work and because I felt I didn’t work out important points/persons/concepts yet. And the thought of me assisting others with their Mind Construct made me uncomfortable. So cool I’ll be working on Mind Construct!
I have to plan though, to be able to manage 5 MC’s in 6 months. The first assignment must be done with on February 21st. I can’t start working on this yet, because I am still working on Projection Points – and I guess I will be for the next 2 weeks to come. A lot of testing involved. I’ve planned this well – 4 points to work through every day; that’s how much I can manage at the time being.
I
react in some kind of panic, rush – I am afraid I will not manage to work through one Mind Construct a month… And I do not see (yet) how to plan working through a Mind Construct, because I do not have an overview of how much time I need for each part of the Mind Construct. Wow, I really am reacting in agitation now! I experience this pressure on my chest and a rush – I want to start right away in order to be done with it in time. I am all possessed by this at this moment.
This panic feeling of ‘leave me alone’ comes up – it is the one that make me wanna run away, hide – to pull back from Desteni. I am quite familiar with this pattern, all of my life it has been there and it is related to the point I am working on lately: inflexibility because I lack overview, control. I do not allow myself to ‘run away’ but face the points, but still: it is not that effective to have to work through this turmoil over and over again. So far I did not completely understand this pattern – obvious.
I suspect this ‘inflexibility point’ is one of the core points playing out in my life, engrained in me as me. I need to have overview – control – otherwise I kind of panic, get overwhelmed and then ‘I am out of here’ to a place where I can regain control and have overview once again. And from there work on ‘having overview’ on the initial event and re-enter.
Ok, back to the assignments and me needing overview, desperately.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react – in stead of being Here and determine what I have to do and make a time schedule in order to support myself in effective time management.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘wanna run away’ and ‘hide’ to avoid experiencing the point of me ‘getting overwhelmed’ and ‘loose control’ and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become utterly inflexible, not willing to take one step further. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to freeze and immobilize myself completely when having the experience of ‘being overwhelmed’ – out of shear fear what will happen when I let go of control.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience me at this very moment as ‘inflexible’ and ‘not willing to take one step further. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘inflexible’ as ‘stubborn’ and ‘stupid’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define me as ‘inflexible’ and therefor as ‘stubborn’ and ‘stupid’ and judging myself for defining myself as such.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be not willing to look at this point at this very moment. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create this experience of ‘stubbornness’, immobility and inflexibility at this very moment to keep me from looking at this point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge this point of inflexibility and stubbornness, immobility and deliberately not moving myself – as ‘bad’ as ‘inappropriate’ as ‘childish’ and at the same time find joy in doing so.
Because it is the only way I can control the situation – it is the only way I can be ‘on top’ of the situation. Reacting by ‘immobilizing’ myself – I can see how this must have helped me when I was a little girl; the one and only way I could show what I (not) wanted; the one and only ‘effective’ response to the adults – because the only one they would notice.
Not effective at all in this situation, lol obvious. Am I noticing myself? Do I see myself? No, I don’t. I judge me because of it – pushing myself away because ‘I should not be that’, ‘I should have overcome this a long time ago already’. I’ve noticed this pattern compressing lately.
I embrace me as ‘stubborn’. I embrace me as ‘inflexible’. I embrace me as ‘needing to be in control’. I embrace me as ‘sheer fear’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not grant myself ‘time and space’ to be in touch with this ‘inflexible, stubborn me’.
I grant myself ‘time and space’ to be ‘in touch’ with this ‘stubborn, inflexible me’ – to embrace it, be gentle with this ‘me’ and let go of this ‘me’.
I grant myself ‘time and space’ to investigate this ‘stubborn, inflexible me’ – gently and kind. I will not accept or allow myself to be harsh or judgmental, irritated or impatient with this ‘stubborn, inflexible me’.
That’s how the adults in my past reacted to ‘the inflexible me’ and I have been reacting the same. I stop.
