This New Years Eve party I attended – I was outside and this guy I know came to wish and kiss me ‘Happy New Year’. He grabbed me and kissed me on my mouth – I do not mind that, but it is that he wanted to ‘French kiss’ me, and that’s what I do not want. I’m not that fond of that way of kissing; I only did that when having sex. I really must be kind of horny to enjoy this exchange of slobber :)
He was clinging on to me, grabbing me like he didn’t want to let go of me, but not aggressively, more like needy. Like he was shipwrecked and I was his saviour. Or, yes, that describes more accurately what I was experiencing: like a young animal that wants to suck with his mommy – blindly. Sucking her nipple, just seeing her nipple and food, feed me feed me feed me! He’ll do anything to satisfy his hunger – every nipple will suffice.
I pushed him gently away. Gently because that is what I always use to do when guys approach me sexually. I do not want to hurt their feelings, no, their ego. Questionable, very questionable.
Beyond my automated response of ‘gently pushing away’ there was disgust. I do not want to be ‘just a nipple to satisfy the needs of any’. I am not ‘just a nipple to satisfy the needs of any one. And I do not like to be approached this way either. I want to be approached like an equal, an equal human being.
I was also ‘'Gently” because he was drunk, and that’s the way I’ve always dealt with drunk men. And sober men too btw. I’ve experienced in my life time that’s the best way to deal with them, gently and humorous – to avoid them becoming aggressive. Then I am kind of the superior, not-drunk one and I make sure everything will have a happy ending…
This insecurity of my ‘own doing’ in all of this, makes me want to ‘sooth’ everything, be ‘gentle’ in stopping the sexual intentions – makes me not standing up in all of this. Not clearly stating: no, this is not what I want, how I want to be approached by you. Because: maybe I am the instigator of all of this… Me as a woman, as a girl, well, this question and guilt has always been there.
So now I’m polarizing me in two parts: the guilty me and the very, very angry me. Furious because of the forceful sexual approaches by men I’ve experienced all of my life. Furious at myself for allowing it, for not standing up and stating: NO. That’s what I really want – to stand up and say NO – I will not allow you to approach me that way.
I do want to respect myself, as a woman, as a human being. I am so fed up with this horny, violent behaviour of men (in general – but I have to be on guard with ALL men, because they may say they do not want to have sex, that they do not see me that way, but more than once I’ve experienced they were telling a lie)
But the guilt/the lack of clarity of what signals I’m sending – keeps me from this standing. And fear of course, fear of letting go of my ‘femininity’? Guilt because of ‘Eve and the Apple’?
I’ ll continue later – have to ‘chew’ on this one.