20 January 2011

Responsibility towards your kid

o I am in the process of creating my new Dutch Blog and with that will reveal my birth name to be seen. So far I did not feel really fear revealing me as my birth name, not in the World, internet, on Facebook or YouTube etc – but I do experience awkwardness when thinking about placing my birth name on Dutch social communities. This is very close to home (we are such a small country). I fear violence and personal physical attacks. And not just for me, more important: for my son. How will/would it affect him to be the son of some one that is spreading a message that is ridiculed and attacked (vicious)?
I know, I am speculating, at this moment this is not physical actuality – but it is very likely to be that way. So far I have mainly experienced abuse and (vicious) attacks on Dutch forums and the abusers didn’t hesitate to include my son in their attempts to ridicule me (they found out I was a mother by reading on the Dutch Desteni forum and my blog).

For me personally – I will not allow it to stop me. But I do experience responsibility towards my son. Especially now because he is in puberty – meaning he is very sensitive to “the outside world” and what his peer group thinks of him (and his mum). I do my best to show him common sense in all of this: that what his friends ridicule has nothing to do with who he is for instance. But so far I do not notice this having any effect on him (well, not entirely true – every once in a while he makes a remark which shows some insight)

Michael Jackson Death crying_fansLike this morning: he said he didn’t understand why so many people cry over Michael Jacksons death when there are so many people dying every minute in Africa. It shows me he sees the ridiculousness of it. In general he states he doesn’t want to be bothered by me talking about what is happening in this world – he just want to be a 12 years old boy in the Netherlands, hating school and stuff. I’m still not sure if this is just him opposing me or a ‘genuine’ wish for himself. I restrain me from talking about these subjects but am showing by example.

For instance: he is very fond of chicken for dinner. I will make this for him on occasion but I do insist on buying ‘organic chicken’ and only when I have money for it. When he opposes I repeat why I insist. He managed to convince himself that him eating meat from these big factory farms where animals are denied a decent life, “it doesn’t matter me eating them because the chickens are already dead anyway”. Me over and over again stating him participating in this awful business is validating the business, he does not want to hear – his graving for and self indulgence ‘has taken over’; but not completely I can see that in his eyes and body language. Now I cannot and will not force him – but I will not accept to be forced cooking ‘non organic chicken’ as well.

o this is the status quo. He will have to walk his own process in due time. I had quite a hard time accepting this but slowly but surely I am getting there. It meant I had to let go of this Mother Matrix design (partially) of me wanting him to be like me. He has to walk his own process in due time and there is not much I can do at the moment but be a living example of my own process. Whether this will assist him in times to come, well, we’ll see – for now I have to let him walk his own path.
I’ve learned by experience not to talk about Desteni – I have to speak another language because he is still very much opposing all Desteni related topics (which is almost everything but as said I’m learning to translate in other words – but he is quite smart and able to discover any hidden agenda I have) He simply dislikes Bernards voice (when I am listening to video’s – I do that whenever I want to, I will not restrict myself in that, no way) He ridicules me for “believing in this shit, believing you can talk with dead people and stuff” and points out this is me “believing” and is no more valid than him believing in something. Me stating Desteni is common sense to me and a result of me looking for common sense all of my life has no impact (lol very puberty related – older people all speak rubbish just because they are old) I told him the “dead people” stuff is just a minor part and it is the message that counts and that he is judging without knowing what the message is about, silences him for awhile but so far he did not show much interest in the message itself. Once we talked about Equal Money and I was astounded him telling me that “it won’t work” – where the hell did he get that idea from?! To me it was such a systematic reaction – without him thinking it over?

Dj is mirroring me – where have I been coming on too strong in this? Or probably this is a pattern from birth on – him opposing everything I say? I am still struggling to find a firm stand in all of this. See the point I started this blog with: where do I draw a line when it comes to my responsibility towards my kid? Will I restrain myself any further of being a living example of my process in my immediate environment because of possible physical or otherwise danger for him? What is common sense? Will I stop restraining myself? I do not want us to loose contact – meaning him telling me what is going on in his life, for me to be able to support and show him direction.

And: what is a real physical danger in this? I’ve seen aggressive behaviour increasing in our immediate environment, in our neighbourhood, especially the youngsters. Groups of adolescent boys beating up other kids. I do not want my kid to be beaten up because of me standing up for life….

Oh my, this is quite a subject for me at the moment. It is cool to write this out. I am not done writing yet – still many points.

Any support is very welcome!

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