oday – a quiet pleasant day, after all the ‘violence’ of the holidays. Dj and me both on the couch, surfing on the internet, watching some television, eating some snacks – nothing ‘special’, just a ‘normal’ Sunday. And I enjoyed it.
I’m referring to the holidays as ‘violent’ because, that’s how I experience it Now, not necessarily when in the middle of it. Besides the noise and violent act of chasing ‘the‘old spirits of 2010’ away by igniting fireworks, fire crackers by others, I’m also referring to me violating me, extensively. In survival mode because of the continuous company of my kid – him hardly going out because ‘it’s too cold’ and being with me in the living room because it is too cold in his room upstairs. Him making noise, moving, speaking, listening to music all day long – I got in this state of constant irritation, which I suppressed because I judged me as ‘unfair’ and ‘not appropriate because this is his home too’. So I had to leave ‘here’ and settle me in this space of ‘I’m just here in the flesh - the rest of me is somewhere else’ – survival mode.
Tomorrow Dj will attend school again and I will be alone for a couple of hours. I’ll probably do some cleaning and washing and work on SRAT lessons. I’m way behind with it because of me postponing working on it due to the holidays. And I kind of feel pressured, fearing I will be ‘behind’ and not able to catch up with the speed of the lessons. I do put a lot of pressure on myself – a lot – much more than I was willing to admit to myself. Not just with the SRAT lessons, but actually in every aspect of life. Like my Tree of Life pointed out to me. Layer upon layer it is revealing it’s ‘ugly face’ – self criticism. But I’ll get there. I see myself getting more stable and at the same time more things are revealing for me to work on. Never a dull moment lol. Especially in ‘normal’ day to day life I observe myself being more stable within, less fearful. For instance the other day we had to pick up Dj at my sisters, where he stayed for a couple of days. I used to avoid the elevator, because I fear being in this small, closed compartment – but this time I just did, breathing, experiencing myself as stable within this, breathing through the ‘fear thoughts’ that came up automatically. Cool – I enjoyed me as me :)
I wasn’t affected by the countdown either, just like I decided – every ‘burp’ of me entering this ‘agitation energy’ I breathed through and in the end I just stayed stable, neutral when the actual ‘count down’ took place. It was just a sign the fireworks will start every minute now.
One of the cats was quite frightened by the loud bangs and bright lights of the fireworks – she ran agitated through the room and I felt sorry for her – but couldn’t do much to comfort her. I just opened the door to the hall way so she could go upstairs and look for a place where she felt less uncomfortable.
* I heard on the news Germany is third on the world-list of Arms Traders and that one out of every two German house holds has a gun – quite shocking to me. I realize this is shocking to me because as neighbouring countries – this is so close to home! I assumed guns were as forbidden in Germany as they are here in the Netherlands, and felt safe(r) by the assumption.