I
was at this party last night – the 15th Anniversary of the barter system I’m involved with. Enjoyed myself in meeting people. I attended this workshop Tai Chi, or actually Chi Kung (whatever). We did simple exercises on the in and outbreath. This was cool because at this point I was very very tired because I had lost myself. And by simply doing this exercises I had some moments with myself to re-establish breathing. At one point the Chi Kung guy started with this exercise where you are shown how a ball of energy is between your both hands – you can actually feel this. I know because in the past I experienced and looked for these kind of things. This time I felt such resistance to go there… To the extent that I stopped participating.
I know I could have created this energy ball – but what’s the use? How can this energy ball be part of the solution for this Hell Hole we are in? Not. So no need to go there.
Thinking back I regret. I was not effective. I resisted the idea of the energy thing. I felt like Oh my god, here we go again – focussing on things that are not real, are not the solution, are just distraction. I was repulsed and accepted to stop participating as a way out. In stead of being here and self forgive, I allowed myself to just be repulsed and did not apply myself. I did not accept and embrace what was here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel repulsed by the energy thing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the exercise as ‘bad’ and accordingly stopped participating – instead of self forgive and embrace the moment as what is is – just a moment where some people are exercising together and bringing their hands together in a certain movement in order to experience something described as ‘energy’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge this moment where this group of people were exercising together to attain a certain experience of ‘energy’ as ‘Oh my god, here we go again with the new age stuff that is regarded ‘peaceful’ while in fact it is deceitful and personality and self interest based’ and place myself outside/above the exercise.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself out of Here into this mind activity of being repulsed and identifying myself with this repulsion and believed myself to be repulsion and acting accordingly.
I
did not experience myself as better of wiser or whatever than this group of people. I just experienced the repulsion. In itself I am ok with the repulsion itself – it is the outflow of process, of seeing more and more clearly the deception. But I acted according to the repulsion, out of self interest, I did not act from the starting point of what is best for all, because of my identification with the emotion. I do not regret stopping my participation. I regret me not applying sf in that moment.
(aah wtf – Dj’s friend was just telling me of this movie they watched together last night. I yawned. I did not really want to listen, but acted like I was interested because I thought I should show some interest.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I must show interest, even when I do not. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive the kids by acting according to this role I play. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to identify myself with this personality role of the interested mother that listens to all of their stories in order to give the kids attention and validate them in the idea that their stories are important.)
