Yes, this is what I am experiencing at the moment - working on the undergarments, for weeks now and not having an overview of what I am working on, where this is leading to, what this is ‘good for’, I’ve lost my ‘interest’, my motivation. Relevant and specific for the tiredness? yes
The energetic twirl movement in my chest area is me wanting to turn away, do something else. To be ‘motivated’ I need to know where I am going.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into this energetic emotional experience of tiredness because for weeks now I do not know where these lessons are leading to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need ‘results’ and a clear overview to be, and continue to be, motivated.
Starting point: motivation - a motive to move me – a reason to move me
What is best for All. That is the point: I did not allow myself to fully experience the ‘disheartenment’ that was/is here– I suppressed and judged it as ‘not effective’, ‘not relevant’, and ‘of no use’ – and fear it. I cannot allow myself to fully experience this because ‘it would take out the heart’ of my motivation – and then I am ‘lost’.
I experience me as very tired – I just want to lay down and watch tv or a movie – be a zombie and forget for a while. I’ve been following the news on tv for a year now on a consistent base. This last month or so I see all these disasters happening all over the world, all the turmoil, animals, fish, insects, birds dying en masse, riots, you name it - and it is ‘getting to me’: I feel very sad but also fear comes up, of what will happen… How it would be to starve, or to lose my house. How it will be to watch all the suffering close to me. How it will be to watch my kid suffer. How it will be to suffer extreme weather, poverty, abuse, fear… I see how much it will take before an Equal Money System will be an actual fact and fear it won’t happen. Sometimes I ask myself if the human race is worth all the trouble. And now while writing this, I feel my arms getting heavier and heavier. I just want ‘to turn away and forget’.
Would I really be ok with letting go of the human race? By the way, would it be that simple as in letting go of the human race, let us simply get eradicated and leave the earth to the animals, plants etc? I do not know, but simply me just ‘letting go’ will not cause the human race getting eradicated lol For a moment I perceived myself as being the centre of all of it – how much more ‘ego manic’ can you be :) But if it was up to me, at this moment I would say: eradicate the human race – good riddance. So it a good thing it is not up to me, because I would decide from within my mind, from within emotional tiredness. It is cool to allow myself to rant about my tiredness, to get it ‘of my chest’ – cool, to get this energetic twirl ‘of my chest’, how effective the body is!
So what I experience at the moment is a lack of motivation to move me. Fear of death is a motive to move me, to be in process. I am pondering a lot about death, about dying, about the point where I will be ‘crossing over’ and what will happen, how that will be. If I am going to make it this life? Actually, I think I won’t – maybe when I will live for another 30 years or so, I will make it, but at the moment my starting point is that I won’t make it. And in itself this gives me some relief – in a way, because now I can let go of the hurry, the drive to ‘make it in this life’, the fear I won’t make it in this life and me as Ingrid will stop to exist. My individuality will stop to exist. In Die Dualiteit - in Dutch, translated: in this duality. Die in Duality. Is that so bad? Is this something to fear? I guess not. But I do fear, that’s what I live.
The idea that we would have to do this all over again – one big giant loop – all these ages of suffering, for the animals, nature, all beings – humans included, is unbearable! Now, that’s one hell of a motivation :)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of motivation – because I fear experiencing ‘disheartenment’ and with that, feel lost – as in: no purpose, no reason.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear me without purpose, without reason. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear me without purpose, without reason because I perceive being without purpose, without reason as ‘being dead while still alive’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘being dead while still alive’ – instead of realizing that I am already ‘dead but still alive’ – and me being ‘in process’ is to ‘awake me from death while still alive’.
How can one be in process of ‘awakening oneself from death while still alive’ without motivation? From a mind conscious point of view of course – otherwise there would be no need for ‘process’. So I’ll have to settle for ‘motivation’ for now. And redefine ‘motivation’ as ‘moving myself’ as in directing myself, as in being the director of my script. Cool.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive me as being ‘dead but still alive’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept myself and love myself and feel my heart pounding and my blood pumping through my veins. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not perceive my body as alive and only as an extension of me as mind conscious system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for abusing and controlling my body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for perceiving my body as ‘object’ to be dealt with like I want to – not realizing my body as the physical is alive while I as mind am ‘death’. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to kill and murder my body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive and define my body as ‘less than me as mind’ and therefor is my servant. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat my body as ‘less worth’ than an animal – in stead of realizing I am as much the abuser as the animal abuser – I am the abuser of my body, torturing and putting it down as less than anything else in this reality. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look down on my body. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me as mind from my body as the physical. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive me as mind and my body as the physical as two separated entities instead of realizing me and body is One. And Equal.
Cool! Tiredness is much less now, twirl in chest is gone. I actually am more aware of me as body, as physical – I am alive :)