12 April 2008

Me the Meatball

I will have to do some sf etc because I am not so sure I will be able to direct myself towards not puking, no disgust, thus separation. Being one&equal to the meat, yeah, what does that mean?

In an hour or two I'll go to the kitchen and make the meatballs. I will feel the structure of the meat with my bear hands and smell the smell. Any reaction I'll have I will immediately do sf on - so I can prepare the meat in a neutral state. I can do that.

But eating it.... nah, I still not really want to do it, I feel disgust by the idea I'll put it in my mouth, chew on it, swallow it and then it is in my body! And for how long will it be there? And wont it poison me just by me not wanting it in me thus separating it from me and my body? Cause I know I will probably experience the meat as in my body, not even as a part of my body.
So what to do? I've lost touch with my reasoning why I should eat meat today. Why did I want to eat meat again?
Because of Dj being often ill these last months. So I can leave it by just preparing the meat - I don't have to eat it. Am I chickening out? hahaha nice word here: chicken out :)

I never liked eating meat, but I did eat it - how did I do that? By simply not thinking of what I was doing at that moment - allowing no pictures in my mind while eating. I could try to do that now. But is that what I want to do? Am I facing something that will help me in stopping participating in the horror of this world? Eating it, it's in my mouth, chewing on it - a substance consisting of atoms clinging together by sound, atoms, I am atoms, me my body - so I will eat atoms lol that doesn't help much. That would be so neutral, where is the part of not wanting to abuse animals by eating them? Oh my, I am confused. Maybe I shouldn't just eat it, because I don't want to, and now I am fucking up myself with some guilt or whatever because I am missing a point that could very well not have been there in the first place.

I'll check what I wrote yesterday - hmmm I seem to have completely forgotten why I needed to do that. Besides the deep disgust thing I see no reason for me to eat meat. About the O pos bloodtype thing - ah well, I should support me as body in a proper way, and as this dog said the Animal Kingdom is ok with people doing that while still in process. So no need for guilt.

Ok, I prepared the meat - no trouble at all with touching it, in his own way it is nice to mold the meat like I would do with clay. What does disgust me is the smell! I had to wash my hands more than once to get rid of this smell... oh my, it really disgusts me. The only pictures I allowed was the picture of fat men eating meat, uncontrolled, nasty noises and greasy fingers. Dicks, nasty smelling dicks. My grandfather in the kitchen hogging a sausage. But maybe this is my mind stepping in. No, this is a part of the disgust - I always had this disgust thing with me eating in public (I forgot because I rarely do, eating something on the street)
That's it for the moment. I am waiting for the food to be ready and then we will have meatballs.

Now, that wasn't that bad - it was tasty and I kind of enjoyed eating it. I was aware of me supporting me as body, so that's cool. The meat balls smelled nice with the mushrooms with it.
Ah well, I'll do sf on the fat greasy man - I just remembered this being my favourite fantasy for awhile while masturbating - a fat greasy man that was eating in a nasty way while fucking me. LOL or LUL (means dick in Dutch:)naam
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