Been ill the last couple of days and now the house is a complete mess. And especially the state the kitchen is in annoys me a great deal. Being there makes me want to smash it all, the dishes, the garbage, the empty bottles - wwwwweeeaharaaaagh, it is as they are getting at my throat, suffocating me. I do not want this, I do not want this life, I hate it! Forced upon me by myself, by having a kid, grrrrrrh
Just a moment ago I found myself in this rocking system, as little monkeys do when they are in distress, soothing themselves with their safety blankets (a substitute for their moms) and as Catherine described on forum. I don't do that allot, but when in distress, yeah, rocking me sooths me.
Watching me while in the kitchen I notice an urge to run away from all this. What is 'all this'?
I wanna get out! I wanna get out! I wanna get out!
mmmm I know this feeling, this suffocating feeling. It is a layer in me that's always there - what does it say? That I do not want this life, that I do not want to be and act like I do. I do not want to have all this stuff, I do not want to take care of a house full of stuff, I do not want to care about stuff.