03 June 2008

Potty trained

Change, yes I notice me 'changing', in 'small' ways (pfff, every word I use seem to be judgmental), is cool, but I feel I am not flowing, it stops, I stop, I freeze. Why? I am not directing me... Satisfied with just stopping, no, stop, I am heading towards self-beating, the easy way out :)

I am not all that sure to what I should direct me... Maybe that's what's lacking, I do not have a clear 'picture' of what/where/how I should direct me.

For instance - other people, the women in the neighbourhood - I keep on communicating in the old, familiar way - nice, friendly, not confronting, not direct - the way neighbours get along well (I'm good at it - many tears hahaha years ago I decided to stop being the social cripple and directed myself towards social skills, wasn't that hard, just letting go of the need to be and feel honest, integrity) But I am withholding myself, not being total, just an act I've learned like a trained puppy :) Housetrained, pottytrained yeah, how to behave to be socially accepted. I once tried to pee in my bed, wanted to see if I was able to reverse the control over my bladder - nope, I just couldn't do it, peeing in my bed. (hahahaha should I try once again, maybe I didn't try hard enough? but bwaaaaahgh, maybe I succeed and then I'll have to change the sheets...) Anyway, that's how this social accepted behaviour habit feels, well pottytrained and hard to reverse. So have to take a good long look at it.

Haven't got much of a social life anymore, besides the people in the neighbourhood I do not meet that many people, anyway it wouldn't make any difference - I am not that interested in other people no more. So I'll stick with the neighbours - talking everyday to them, small talk and serious talk, but never Desteni-related, never going that way, never directing that way.
I do not want to.
That's where I got stuck. Do I really not want to, or do I fear it? Do I fear change, me changing, neighbours changing? Is it because I perceive it to be safer when things stay as they are, or what? Is it because I am not that sure of me, of who I am, is it because out of fear of loosing control? Or am I just lazy? Not really that concerned about their welfare at all, not really wanting to make a difference, for life to be able to trust me?
Or have I become just another old grumpy lady?

ingrid old lady2(Ohmy, maybe I should get me a hat, with flowers on it, maybe a straw hat, that's what I always pictured me as an old lady, with a straw hat with flowers:) 

"you're 'trying to see something' - instead of realising that within trying to do something, the act of trying, manifest the polarity resistance and then you actually 'push that away which you are wanting to/trying to see/understand' -

fuck, now I am all puzzled - am I hiding and should I push, or should I relax and wait for the answer to unfold? fuck.

Ok, I will see what comes up when actually talking Desteni stuff - maybe that will make things clearer for me. Will continue later.

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