I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone to do 'real' sf on the things that bothered me with regards to iris - doing some sf randomly and being satisfied with it because I didn't want to face it totally. Fooling myself and being utterly selfdishonest in trying to 'glide' through the 'little problems' living a social life brings forth. That's what the 'it' in 'I didn't want to face it' stands for. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to 'confront' Iris out of fear of being 'political incorrect'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to 'confront' Iris out of fear of being 'political correct'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not to confront Iris or myself for that matter - for not trusting me to act according to what I see as 'right', but doubting myself, only wanting to do sf on my own 'misdirections', not wanting to assist iris, as me or not as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
Where to start?
I'll start with the first time I experienced a 'huh?' while dealing with iris. The proper sf will show.
Months ago, I was not that long a forum member of Desteni, the Dutch speaking members at that time, started to translate the sf lists in Dutch. We were told to send them to Iris to place on the Dutch website of Desteni. So I did. The first one took me a long time to translate, so not used to this 'Destinian talk' :) After the second one I send to her, I got this email back (will have a look, maybe it is still in my inbox - so I wont make false quotes - no, they're gone, must have deleted them) Anyway, she wrote me she wanted to do all the translating herself because it took her too much time to check our translations - at that moment I was pissed, because I did put time in translating and I knew others were, and she knew too, because we were communicating about it on the forum, so why not tell us sooner. I mailed Ann to tell her to stop the translating - Iris hadn't mailed her (yet).
I didn't confront Iris with it, though I thought her to be rude to do it this way. At the time I was under the impression she was on some sort of special assignment for Desteni, so who the hell was I to tell her.
Ok, so I wasn't going to assist with translating, but still willing to participate in the Dutch department. Well, then I thought of subtitling the video's. Cool! I was eager to support Desteni in spreading the message and this was something I could do. So I started mastering the subtitling thing. More or less in agreement with Iris. She put the subtitled ones on her website. Then she started to do the subtitling as well. I was ok with that, because it was a lot of work - although some irritation came up: why the heck started she doing this as well - translating the vids was already quite a job and I wanted this to be my department. But ok - I asked B. permission to open up a Desteni NL channel on YouTube and send the name and password to Iris, so we both could upload the subtitled video's there. But no - without even answering my email she opened up her own channel and uploaded her vids there, not on the Desteni NL channel. Grrrrrmmm - I was so pissed! Then I knew it was not just me - it was Iris not willing to share, cooperate or whatever.
I noticed the Dutch website couldn't be opened with Firefox after some changes she made. So I mailed her and gave her some tips etc cause I was concerned about the diminishing accessibility - it didn't support spreading the Desteni message in The Netherlands, so I thought she should do something about it. She was very pissed - who the hell I was to boss her around and so on, start your own website - can't remember the exact words. I was shocked - 'bossing' wasn't my intention, nor were my words. She also accused me of subtitling 'out of the box' - huh? I didn't understand, only later on. She was probably talking about the Hepburn video. That was the first one I did: I transcribed, translated and subtitled it while mastering the subtitling tools. And later on I uploaded it on YouTube - why not? It wasn't one of hers. Then I saw what was going on - we had different starting points on this whole thing: me very willing to bundle forces and skills, working together, having 'we' for a starting point and Iris was very clearly in the 'I' mode. Ok, understood. No harm done, I will make my own website.
But it kept on bothering me - whenever I saw her name, I reacted. To be honest: I hated her whoaoaoa :) I knew I was projecting - she was doing what I like to do: do it all by myself. I have a hard time to accept others work if it can't satisfiy my need for perfection. Also there was this competition in me - I am obviously very competitive, although I wouldn't describe my personality as competitive. It doesn't align well with this image I have of myself - the one I am forcing on myself. And she had quite a production I couldn't keep up with :)
if anyone's not doing this for the benefit of all as one as equal you are doing it for your own pathetic self interest and need to sort that shit out
make sure you aren't catering to people's feelings here
This was Matti talking and oh my god is he right! I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be catering to someone's feelings and pampering my own feelings - being utterly selfdishonest in avoiding someone's feelings getting hurt. Yak!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in this competitive mode, trying to proof I am not the lesser one hahaha how stupid. I was trying to proof i am alright, I have a purpose to be.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I need to proof I am worth the air I breath. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate my being here by doing something usefull, like subtitling. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have selfinterest at heart instead of the interest of all as one as equal, this way not supporting at all but merely contributing to this unifield field feeding all selfinterest in this world - not only not contributing but also increasing selfinterest and all actions concerning selfinterest in this world. Feeding the mind even more, while subtitling video's that are telling us to stop the mind. So I have been raping the Desteni material. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rape Desteni, using Desteni to have this selfinterest orgasm, or attempt to have one, while wearing a cap of 'for the greater good' - utterly hypocrite, dishonest. Wow.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be upset because someone else didn't want to cooperate - didn't want to work for the greater cause in the way I thought it should be done.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as this kid again that didn't understood why these people acted the way they acted - while it was so clear to me how it should have been. Feeling no power to change this because it was so clear - why didn't they see this? What is wrong with them? What is wrong with me for seeing it clear while these adults don't - then I must be wrong... Fuck, what a waist of time, growing up with adults! They force all these ideas on you as a kid - claiming they know so well.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a parent to Dj instead of support and assistance. Ok, this belongs to another topic, I will cut and paste it there.
