Dj's natural father called - I could see his caller id - I didn't answer the phone, just didn't want to hear his voice, didn't want to be bothered by him. I asked Dj if he wanted to speak with him, but no, he didn't want to, so ok, we didn't answer the phone.
Many many years I waited for him to call, to notice us, me, Dj - he never did. Now it doesn't matter if he never calls again - lol, now I rather wished he didn't. Because I have not yet really freed myself from this - still got somewhere a feeling I should do something with him (what?) What should I do, say, want, desire, expect, need from him, with him, of him? Maybe still some revenge? compensation, satisfaction? In fact, I do not want it anymore - it has gotten just a habit to think about him in this way.
The last 2 years things have changed for me - in particular after the three of us met (Dj, his father and me) in a restaurant and had a nice afternoon in each other company. I looked at him and well, it was ok, wasn't interested any more. On the way home my whole body started hurting, I almost didn't made it home, my legs couldn't barely carry my body and I got sick for a couple of days - releasing alot :) Half a year later he visited us at our home (the last hurdle to take, allowing him in our new home) and I guess he did the best he could for Dj, but, oh my, it was sooooo boring! And he stayed for hours! Me acting friendly, not knowing how to tell him to piss off - Dj had gone to play with his friends, so there was no need for him to stay anymore Lol in fact, he bored us both, Dj and me, to death. What a relief for me to feel bored by his company - it didn't matter anymore, I didn't feel threatened even in my own home anymore by this man.
But still some residu left. Why didn't I pick up the phone? Because I'm not sure I will be able to tell him we are not interested in him no longer? Or not at the moment. Dj? He sais he doesn't care about his father. Am I political about it, still wanting to keep it open, you never know maybe Dj or me changing our mind? Well, perhaps I shouldn't break it off totally, no need to be rude or whatever - but I do not want to meet him, speak to him, not now. I do not want to act nice when in fact I do not feel nice. I do not want to be bothered by him. Ah yak! I do not have to be nice, just stand here in me, breath. I am afraid I will compromise again by being political. And finding him on my couch again one day LoL
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself being 'political', meaning: willing to compromise, in order to be able, in future, to still get what I want if I still want it, from him.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be sure of what I want or not from Dj's father.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want (or not) something from Dj's father.
Yagh, this isn't effective, this isn't what it is all about, I don't know, something is nog 'right' here - why am I being political? Because I do not want to let go of him totally. Meaning: not letting go of my need for revenge, satisfaction. That's the final hurdle.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need revenge for all the hurt and dishonor he put me through in the past. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to state that there is a past and a future - and by making this statement creating it in me and in and as all, for I am all. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create such a thing as 'revenge' and 'satisfaction' and 'hurt' and 'dishonor' in and as me and therefore in and as existence, for I am all, one and equal. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from this man, this being as someone outside of me, as a part of me and all that I do not want to be, see, hear, feel, watch, smell, notice and wish to not exist.
Yes, I've got to take him 'back' in me, as me to heal the hole, whole me.
I am him, him is me. Dj is me is him, him is me is Dj. There was never a real separation - he was never 'there' and 'we here'. I hurted myself alot by separating 'me' from 'him'. I abused me and him and Dj and all. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse and hurt myself and him and Dj and all by separating me from him and Dj and all by not wanting and yet wanting him to be me and Dj and all, one and equal. Blaming him for not wanting to be me and Dj, therefore not 'all', one and equal. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from him and blaming him for me doing that.
